January 26, 2010

DEAR QUESALINA

Dear Quesalina,

I could have written to you three years ago. I didn't have the energy to do it. I was consumed by my emotions.

Lately while looking at your photos, your photos and the 'beloved', I wasn't feeling odd anymore. I guess, just like you, I have set myself free too.

I won't ask now why you left, for maybe it could be the same reason I will do the same.And I understand why.

But I have to confess Quesalina that I have envied you so much before. Not only because it was your sarong that he's wrapped with taking the place of your arms as he said, not only because you became reality to him and that he still thinks and believes you are a dream BUT, I envied you beacuse it's the other way around,he became reality you.

In those days, I wish I have not met him and and that I haven't seen you then I wouldn't be feeling like shadow behind you. Then I would'nt race with you nor think of myself as the weaker force.

But at the same time that I felt all those, I have to thank you that you inspired me to find myself... to be the real me and to be the best of me. yes, he must be right when he said, you are different, you are extraordinary. maybe I am the ordinary kind... well, as i thought so.

I know you are the brightest among his stars. I wish I could be his sun... but in the end, I can't find anymore strength to wish.Maybe just like what you did, I could just go.


And if that will happen,will he remember me if he finds someone just as he remembers you when he is with me?

xxxxxxxxxx

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January 13, 2010

Getting Back On My Feet

For the benefit of those who are going, who will go through break-ups.

I must admit the pain you will experience just after ending a relationship is incomparable,that is, if you still love the person. Not a single word would capture it. I guess even the most skilled writer cannot elucidate it. It's beyond words.

But for sure its not the end of the world. We must be aware of that. Even if it feels like dying.

It was almost a week of crying, not breathing normally, self pity and not to include imagining(hallucinating) that 'baba' will feel sorry and come down knocking at the door on bended knees. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic. Well,let's all mention the stupidity we do when we are broken hearted, I wasn't able to eat proper food because I just can't. I can't sleep, 2 hours of sleep then I'm up again crying, self pity and still trying to recapture in my memory the happy days I was with him.

So how was I able to get back on my feet?
It started like...
I realized that there was a compulsion for me to get drunk one night. I was able to do it since I am having a day off the next day.I wanna get drunk because its the only way I know I wont feel the pain for a while..I did. I went to my friend's flat then in an hour time, i am totally drunk, dead drunk.

While I was drunk, I rang his cousin then swore to him, shouting on the phone 'your f****n' bas***d liar cousin!!!!' and at the top of my voice,I said, 'I hate him, I hate him, I really really hate him!' and I was crying like a mad cow.

Believe me, it worked, I felt a little bit relieved the next morning I woke up with horendous headache..Never mind the headache, paracetamol will do it.

The next day, i spoke to my family. It is comforting. But I always remember that my mom's words on the first time I experienced this has helped me a lot. I opened up to my momma and I tell you that there is nothing more comforting to hear than your mom's advice when you are troubled.

And lastly,I have to give a big thanks to mr. friendship. Let's call him Handsome. I rang a friend who knows how to listen. it was like 6 in the morning when I can't get back to sleep and I saw he was online. Thanks to skype.

He explained the situation. He made me realized, it could have been prevented since I know Baba's personality.( will continue later)

January 10, 2010

TO BID FAREWELL...

So how am I now?

Still hurting. And the pain is suffocating.

But I have already come to the realization that we should let go of people not worthy of our tears.

I am still hurting, still not having the drive to go on with life and pick up the pieces left for me. but in time , I know I'll get there.

My bags are already packed. I am to order now the box to contain all the bits and pieces remaining in my room and send them home.Then the last thing to do is to hand the boss my resignation letter, wait for the response then book my ticket.(yet all are hanging up-- undecided, decided, then undecided)

My final decision comes when I feel I am well enough to smile and strong enough to stand again. Maybe in two weeks, 2 months... maybe..

till then...

thank you for all the back up words, for all the encouragements. I may not able to write them here in my diary but they are written in my heart.

January 7, 2010

OF BEING A MASOCHISTA

Out of curiousity, I used the search engine to connect all the broken thoughts in my mind. Im not a hacker of any account but I have this skill to find out things easily when I start pressing the keys and using the mind power, I will find what i want..

I was broken to pieces 10000000000000000x. All I found were just photos. just photos. yes, just photos.

And yes, consider me a masochista. Pardon me for being so open, I find writing therapeutic.. Its where I can outpour all my hurts.. Because here, in the situation I am currently at, no one can spare a time to listen.

I blurred the photos to protect whoever they are..




So what now?
-shall I dye my hair so I can be a blondie?
-shall I take a bottle of gluthatione to blanch my skin?
-will I try to be like them????


But I'm not goin to do that.. WHY?
BECAUSE HE IS NOT WORTH SACRIFICING MY ESTEEM.

January 6, 2010

OF BEING AN EMOTERA

To those who have gone through 'broken heart' stage (I guess everybody) would agree to the following lyrics of these songs..

Yeah, these lyrics bites.

I won´t forget the way you´re kissing
The feeling´s so strong were lasting for so long
But I´m not the man your heart is missing
That´s why you go away i know
You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
now you wanna say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
but there is something left in my head

(That's Why You Go Away by MLTR)
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And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?

(Heaven Knows by Price Rick)
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I could still recall, those memories of you,
the joy and all your laughter,
the love that we've been through.
Oh I can't believe, you're gone...
I don't want to remember,
the things we used to do,
all the things that remind me of you.
I don't want to hear those songs,
those songs we used to sing,
'cause I don't wanna feel the pain in my heart

(Pain In My Heart by Zoo)
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and my favorite...

How Did We Get From Saying I Love You To I'll See You Around Someday
by Great Big Sea
"It's a cold day for September", was all I thought to say
When I saw you on the street the other day
I knew something changed between us, all the talk we made was small
But what do you say to someone when they've heard you say it all?
It's an awkward conversation, in a most peculiar way...

How did we get from saying "I love you" to "I'll see you around
Someday?"
It seemed like only days ago, we had so much to say
Did we take it all for granted?, did it all gets thrown away?
"It calls for rain this afternoon", she finally replied
Then there was such a stuttering silence, that I felt my mouth go dry
We'll talk about the weather, cause there's not much more to say...

Has all the ice been broken,
All our surfaces been scratched
Have all the words been spoken,
Have we finally met our match?
Cause it's an awkward conversation,
In a most peculiar way

January 4, 2010

and today...

it's icy outside.
I am due to work at 3:45- 9:45 shift.

I could hardly breathe.
I have been eating since 6AM. (lots of cuppa tea n coffee+biscuits+chocolates+pringles)
I haven't have a good sleep since last night.


I have been in this same feeling before and after 2days, 2 weeks, 2months.. I will be fine.

January 3, 2010

Walking Away 101


Just tonight, I turned my back...and walked away.

My phone rang at about 5PM. He said, he is near the place where I stay and he is coming to pick me up. He said he wanna take me out. I was supposed to turn him down as I have made my mind not to see him anymore but contrary to what my mind says, I said, 'ok' in a tone not sounding too excited.

I kept the distance trying to show things are just fine and that his showing up is no big deal to me.. perhaps it is a biggie, perhaps it is not.

And why should I not be excited to see him?
We saw each other three days before Christmas day. There were laughters. I gave his Christmas present before he left. Something he always say he needed but had no time to go to the shops.I remember he said he will keep the present and that he will not open it. He said 'Thank you'. He went home still not opening the gift. That's the last meet before tonight.

Christmas day, December 25. My phone was all silent. Dec. 26... Not even a greeting..Nothing. No call nor message. It may hurt to think that he maybe is happy celebrating Christmas with friends...or to scratch more the wound, he maybe is celebrating with somebody else.

On the 27th, I was ill, just after 6hours shift at work, I went home and just by the time I laid my back on bed, I wasn't able to get up. I was suffering overfatigue for working too much the past days. Unable to wake up to get myself anything to eat, I rang him. I said I am ill. He said he would send his cousin to bring me food as he was out of town. frustrated, i burst into tears.. To add more,he said, 'baby, I need to go, if not,they'll gonna finish all the food, then I wont have anything.' just before I heard him say 'bye', I hung the phone up. I felt I was just a rubbish tossed in the bin.

From that day,I know, I am broken. I cried. Then I made up my mind.Not ever to see nor receive his call. Not to mention too that it was his cousin who greeted me on New Year's day. Yes, you can call him names, I wont object at all.

...and tonight, 2hours ago, after making him crazy,asking him to drive all around the town, trying to piss him off the most that i can by not getting out from his car, I almost gave up. I thought I wouldn't be able to do it.

But after he said, he wouldn't care if I would go out with anybody else. I said, 'I hate you. I hate you so much,and you know why i'm hating you so much. You feel so guilty and you pretend its just nothing but the moment I will step out from this car, everything is finished. I do, I hate you so much.' I opened the door, banged it then walked away. I heard him overspeeding, I did pray that may the CCTV camera caught him.

Tomorrow, the next day, next week, my phone may ring... I am quite sure. I still don't know what would happen next but this I am sure, when people leave me hurting, I am not gonna welcome them back.


Goodnight bournemouth! Favor me tomorrow please.

January 2, 2010

REALIZATION 101

If there's one thing I love and I hate about myself, it's that my 'being a strong person.'

Walking around the town one time, I came across with this stress test in a dianetics center. Out of curiosity, I popped in and tried. The procedure was, "Try to think of a situation you think that bothers you...or whatever situation you are in at the moment." The lady giving the instruction was really friendly, chatty, and got this charisma that you would really listen to what she would say. Her accent sounded like that from the Northern England and made it easier for me to grasp her instructions. She made me hold of two metals and there's like a meter where she reads if I am stressed while thinking about a certain situation.

I thought of the situation I am with that guy...(there's nothing really much more interesting to think than the 'all about love' thingy) Suddenly, the meter showed I am really stressed out as the hand that points to how much stressed you are went to the maximum.

She asked me what is the situation. I was a bit hesitant but then I told her. She did say things but did not give any advice. We've talked about life. I shared her experiences I came through while in this country. We even talked about dreams. She did gave me encouragements, and boosted my confidence as she got it from me that I have a very low self esteem.

Before the conversation ended, she said, "My dear, there's nothing wrong with being a strong person. We all want to be strong. But the way I see it, people in your life don't realize that you are vulnerable to get hurt too. You see, people know that you are strong and they can hurt you, leave you and would not even be bothered about how you feel and then soon when they realize that they need you, they come back to you again.. and that should stop"

She made everything concrete to me. At times when I question myself why people treat me the way they do, I thought it's because of individual deviations. I realized all she said is true. Because I am a strong person so people can do that because they know, I am tough and I don't have a hurting heart.

Honestly, in the middle of the night when I'm supposed to be dreaming, I am awake, feeling empty, the loneliest among the loneliest and I always would try to catch back a bit sleep at already wee hours with tearstains on my pillow. You see, I hide my frustrations. I hide my hurts. I hide the realities... But yes, I am hurting, I am crying and I am too vulnerable to get hurt.

Still, I hold no grudges to people, I have no right.. But this time, if they come back, I am not to welcome them, give me that as my right. as one of my fave qoutes of this year, "Life is a series of arrivals and departures."

I bought this book before I left the center. I hope it will make me stronger.

HELLO 2010!

PLANS FOR THIS YEAR

(maybe late but still, I would post it.)
We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce


2 faves from my plans (yeah, I did make resolutions=) ):
*READ, READ, READ talaga.=)
*Keep my things tidy at all times.jeje!(coz I can make a mess in 1 minute)especially when dressing up.

..and this year's fave quotes:




I hope you made yours too.